Are you the go-to person for everyone?
Do you find it hard to say no?
Do you over-explain yourself when you have no other choice but to say no?
Do you change who you are in different circles to ensure you are liked and accepted?
Are you the make-no-fuss, don’t challenge anyone, and just be an agreeable person?
If you have nodded your head or said yes to any of these then you are a people pleaser. People pleasers need to be needed and liked and will go out of their way to ensure everyone is happy even if it means they are miserable. People pleasers don’t like anyone to be upset with them and so become the yes people.
The sad fact is you are heading toward burnout like a freight train without any breaks. Being everything to everyone all the time (I am just exhausted writing that) is exhausting. You are not just a people pleaser for sommer (English translation: just because) or because you just decided to be one.
There is an engrained pattern that is below the surface. A pattern from childhood where your brain had to keep you “safe” which is very good at doing. This pattern no longer serves you yet it’s still hanging around and in full force.
People pleasing comes from a deep desire to be needed. A deep desire to feel connection and belonging. A deep desire to be liked and accepted. I’m not good enough emotions drive people pleasing.
If you had to think back to when you were growing up what kind of beliefs were installed in you as a child? Mine were very much children were seen and not heard, always be helpful, always put a smile on your face no matter what, don’t make a fuss accept what you get, don’t cry or be sad because we don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
Red flag, red flag, red flag………..
Yes, our parents were doing the best they could with what they knew. Our generation is so much more informed, and self-developed and has access to far more information than our parents ever did.
I am definitely not blaming. I did a deep dive to create the self-awareness I needed to put the action steps in place to change this people-pleasing habit I had created.
Here are 6 steps to consider if you are tired of being a people pleaser:
- I got clear on my patterns. If this happens, I do this
- I got clear on what emotions come along for the ride when I people please and got to understand how they show up in my body
- I understood where this was coming from
- I started making small changes that stretched me but didn’t freak me out. For example: Saying No didn’t just happen, not explaining myself when I said no took time
- Gained some tools to help me put things in place to make the changes
- Found the courage to just start
There is a deep level to people pleasing and by starting small to understand what is your need for people please you will being to peel back the layers of the onion (yes, yes I did just use a Shrek saying).
People pleasing is inauthentic, you are putting on a mask to please others, it’s time to pull that mask off and begin to step into your authenticity with confidence.